I open my eyes to see a black ceiling. Not black, but a deep blue. Moonlight enters the room through my cheap blinds. Suddenly I see a flash of red and blue enter the room. At least once a night for 3 months, I have seen flashing red and blue lights in my apartment. I close my eyes and let my other senses see. I hear banging and crashing and meaningless screaming below me. Slamming doors, loud music, crying children. The smell of grass seeps through the cracks in my door.
If this is all you read, I would imagine my life as small, poor, lonely and insignificant. And in many ways, it is. In many ways, I have nothing. And in many ways I have it all.
My eyes are still closed and I can feel her breathing. I don’t hear her breathing but I feel the rhythm of her chest against my ribs. I feel the curls of her hair rub against my nose. I open one eye to see her head resting so naturally in the cleft of my chest. Slowly, I slide my hand down her shirt and caress her bare back. My fingertips glide across the ridges of her spine. She looks at me, she widens her eyes ever so slightly and whispers, “Abee, I have to go, but I don’t want to,” and she rests her head back on my chest. I whisper to him, “then don’t do it.” She looks at me, smiles, says, “fine”
I know that the reality of the world around me tells me that it is 11 pm in Virginia Beach. Yet in this room, it feels like it’s 3:00 am in a small town in some exotic country. A kind of town where no one knows anyone. A kind of town where people go to be alone. A kind of city where young love can last. I love to imagine going somewhere far away. On the other hand, that takes away my bread and the bitterness that arises in my city. And suddenly, that thought of pain, that moment of weakness, opens a floodgate of fears. I keep asking myself, why him? She Loves Me? She loves him? I feel weak, I feel betrayed, I feel… human.
I stop allowing myself to think and just rub my hand on his warm back. She makes fears disappear. She makes me think that this room and this time is special. As if there was never another time and place like the time and place we are in right now. And in many ways that is a true statement. There will never be another time and place like now. I will never rub my hands over her back in the same way. And she will never rest her head on my chest the same way. And the moon will never see through the blinds the same way. This makes this moment unique. And this uniqueness makes this moment perfect. Perfectly perfect.
If this is all you read, I would imagine my life as small, poor, lonely and insignificant. And in many ways, it is. In many ways, I have nothing. And in many ways I have it all.
