One of the most common questions anyone working in the addiction field is asked is “How can I stop my wife/husband/partner from drinking so much?” Unfortunately, the short answer to that is: you can’t. They will stop when it suits them, either because it hurts too much or because circumstances change. That’s painful to hear, but it’s true nonetheless.
There is some good news though, and that is if you can’t get them to stop drinking, then there are things you can do, or stop doing, that will make them more likely to take action and/or seek help with their drinking. Below I have listed a number of things you should avoid doing, as they often have the opposite effect of what you intended, making the situation even worse. I will discuss the things you should do in another article.
Do not protect the drinker from the natural consequences of drinking. If they get embarrassed, don’t make excuses, or if they fall, don’t pick them up. Only intervene if there is danger of the drinker being injured. For most people, this kind of ‘tough love’ is a hard thing to do, simply ignoring a loved one when they’re drunk goes so far against the grain. However, protecting the drinker means that he never suffers the consequences and therefore never realizes the seriousness of his consumption. Since many believe that problem drinkers only seek help when they are in pain, protecting the drinker only delays that moment and could be argued to be more cruel.
Do not protect the drinker from further consequences. If you miss work because he’s too drunk or too hungover, don’t call the boss and make an excuse. The problem drinker is very happy that another person accepts responsibility, while he needs to accept responsibility for his own behavior if he wants to change.
Don’t bump into the drinker. If they spend all your money on drink, don’t lend them money or pay your debts. Once again, this protects and delays recognition of the magnitude of the problem.
Do not join and drink together with the drinker. It may seem like a natural “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” thing, but this just makes drinking behavior seem normal, which of course it isn’t. Also, if you try to keep up, you could end up needing help, and one drunk is more than enough for any household.
Don’t yell and yell and scold for drinking behavior. This just provides an excuse to drink even more. That is, the logic used here is “I drink because you scold” instead of “You scold because I drink.” Yeah, I know it’s not logical, but hey, this isn’t about logic, it’s about drinking.
Do not make threats or give ultimatums. Unless you are truly prepared to carry out these threats and ultimatums, they will lose all power to influence the drinker. In fact, they may even provide an excuse to drink, especially if there is a pattern of drinking to avoid stress and painful circumstances. Therefore, you might feel even more frustrated than before.
Don’t cry or sulk and walk away to punish the drinker. The drinker may once again view his as behavior best avoided by getting drunk, perhaps with the immortal words “No wonder I drink, look at you!”.
Don’t try to have a meaningful conversation about the drinkers’ behavior or your lives together when the drinker is intoxicated. It’s easy to get drawn into a conversation, don’t do it. Wait until morning or when you are sober.
