I recently heard from a wife who felt that the bad state her marriage was in was her fault. Some destructive behaviors, bad decisions and indiscretions had hurt her husband very much. Her husband was so hurt and upset that he was no longer sure he wanted to get married. The threat of losing her husband made this wife realize that she really loved her husband and she didn’t want to lose him. She now realized that she had been taking him for granted. But her husband had become so angry and distant that the wife feared losing her husband once and for all.
She wanted my advice on how to win her husband back and fully commit to her when she had hurt him so much. I will tell you what I told him in the next article.
Make sure your husband understands how sorry you are and don’t make insincere excuses for your behavior: Sometimes I suspect this goes without saying, but I hear from many spouses who tell me that their partner doesn’t seem to regret their actions very much. It is very important that you swallow your pride, feel your spouse and tell them in a very genuine and sincere way how sorry you are. Explain to them the fact that you know you have hurt them deeply, you love them very much, and you will follow these words with actions that will show them over time how sincere you really are.
And don’t make excuses for your behavior or imply that your husband is in any way to blame. This will only dig a deeper hole. He’ll likely respect you a lot more if you own up to what you did, apologize, and then start keeping your promises.
Settle for small victories. Don’t push too hard too soon: It is very tempting to want to press for forgiveness right away. This is because knowing that you might lose him is painful and scary. However, you will often need some time to calm down and process your feelings. You’ll come across as much more understanding, and he’ll generally perceive you in a much more positive light if you give him some patience and time. In fact, it never hurts to emphasize that you love him and that you don’t want to increase his load by pushing him to do something he’s not ready for.
People are often hesitant to give their spouse time and space out of fear. He worries that if they give him this time, the husband will decide that what happened was a deal breaker and walk away. But they don’t understand that he’s likely to be annoyed by your impatience and that he feels pressured will only contribute to his negative perceptions that you just can’t afford it right now.
It is much better to limit your demands and settle for small victories and positive results. Let her husband set the pace and be thankful for even a little progress. Know that this may take some time, but be willing to give your spouse the time he or she needs. If she continues to allow him to get more and more comfortable, he is building a stronger foundation and friendship.
Try to keep things lighthearted and not full of pressure and tension. Basically, you want to leave each meeting on a positive note so that you both want to repeat the process.
When the time is right, offer your husband a workable plan: If you have been successful in communicating how sorry you are and are starting to reestablish rapport and trust, be very careful when you ask your husband for his commitment and assurances. You want to make sure you show him and not tell him how and why things are going to be different. You have to show the exact person that you have been promising.
It is not enough to tell him that you are going to change and that your marriage can improve for both of you to be happy. Your behavior and your new actions must show him this. Otherwise, he is likely to be very reluctant to believe in any plan you propose. You will have to prove to him over time that you are not going anywhere, that you will keep your promises, and that your actions will prove over time that he will be happier with you than without you.
