Christians have a divorce rate about the same as non-Christians. They also share the same six myths about the effects of divorce on adult children. Most people know that divorce has a major impact on minor children, but not everyone realizes that adult children are significantly affected as well. These are the six myths:
1. Adult children will not be financially affected. Is not true. Many adults today are not self-sufficient and are dependent on their parents into their 20s and 30s. A divorce can affect your parents’ ability to help you financially through college and while you find a job. Separation of property also means that any family assets that may have become available to them later through inheritance will likely be spent. Also, they may now have one or both parents who will not be financially stable and may need financial help from the children at some point.
2. Adult children will not be put in the middle. On the contrary, many divorcing parents tell their children all the details of the divorce assuming their adult children will understand marital problems and may even be able to offer advice and support, and many blatantly try to get children to side with them in against the other spouse. Parents often reveal information to their children that creates a dilemma for the adult child. Hearing about your parents’ shortcomings, even if they only manifest in marriage, makes you question your parents’ character. Telling an adult child negative things about one of her parents puts him in the difficult position of appearing to approve of the behavior by continuing to be in a relationship with that person. The pressure to side with one parent over the other comes from the parents and the internal conflict the adult child feels over the decisions the parent makes.
3. Adult children won’t have many adjustments. Adjustments for adult children will actually be significant and stressful. They are already handling adult responsibilities that may include family, children, work, bills, college, and/or a busy schedule. When you add the additional demands of keeping up with both parents and their separate lives, it adds stress. The adjustments of having to combine holidays and other events with parents who may not want to be together at events, the stress everyone will feel, and the need to see each parent separately on holidays is a big adjustment.
4. Adult children will not feel responsible. Young children often blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. Adult children also feel responsible for their parents, but in different ways. You don’t worry about your mom when she is with your dad and your dad when your mom is taking care of him, but you do care about each other when they are alone. When they know that a parent is suffering emotionally, they will feel the need to support and comfort them emotionally. They will feel responsible for spending more time with a parent who is lonely and has too much empty time to fill. If one or both parents have financial difficulties due to the breakup, the adult child will have a hard time helping or not financially. They may even have to deal with a parent who needs to move into their home. They may feel it is their responsibility to confront the parent who is causing the divorce or to be a mediator in trying to get the parents back together.
5. Adult children will not feel the loss of a family. Not true, adult children suffer a great loss. Divorce destroys the sense of family. It robs them of a past, especially if they find out that their parents have been in trouble all along, but they stayed together for the kids and what they thought was true about their family isn’t true. Even when adult children live away from home, it’s comforting to know they have a home they can return to. The family provides security, a sense of belonging, a common identity and a shared history. What used to be one family is now two, and the loss of the intact family unit is destabilizing. Adult children will go through the complaint cycle that will include stages of denial, anger, guilt, and sadness. They may also struggle with personal betrayal and abandonment by the parent initiating the divorce.
6. Adult children will not be spiritually affected. This is also not true. They may have a spiritual crisis that includes questioning their faith. They may question their parents’ beliefs because they were raised in a Christian home with a faith that does not support divorce and the parents are divorcing. They may question God’s ability and will to answer prayer when he has not intervened and saved the parents’ marriage. They may even feel less secure in their own marriages or in the institution of marriage, since their parents were unable to stay together.
While there are times when Christians need to divorce, it is important to know the truth about how all family members will be affected. You need to understand these six myths about how adult children are affected by divorce so that you can appropriately respond to and support your adult children through this difficult family adjustment.
