You can fall in love with his charming side and be destroyed by his dark side. It can be unnerving, but it all makes sense when you understand what drives them. That awareness protects you from their games, lies and manipulations.
Narcissists have an impaired or underdeveloped self. They think and function differently from other people. They behave the way they do because of the way their brain is wired, whether by nature or nurture. The severity of narcissism varies. Some people have more symptoms with greater intensity, while other narcissists have fewer, milder symptoms. Therefore, the following discussion may not apply to all narcissists to the same degree.
narcissistic vulnerability
Despite having seemingly strong personalities, narcissists are actually very vulnerable. Psychotherapists consider them “fragile”. They suffer from deep alienation, emptiness, helplessness and lack of meaning. Due to their extreme vulnerability, they crave power and must carefully monitor their environment, the people around them, and their feelings. Displays of vulnerable feelings, such as fear, shame, or sadness, are intolerable signs of weakness both in themselves and in others. Their defense system, discussed below, protects them, but hurts other people. When they feel more insecure, they are more malicious and the impact of their actions is irrelevant.
narcissistic shame
Beneath their facade is toxic shame, which may be unconscious. Shame makes narcissists feel insecure and inadequate, vulnerable feelings that they must deny to themselves and others. This is one of the reasons why they cannot accept criticism, responsibility, dissent, or negative feedback, even when the intention is constructive. Instead, they demand unconditional, positive regard from others.
Arrogance
To compensate for their feeling of inferiority, they maintain an attitude of superiority. They are often arrogant, critical, and dismissive of other people, including entire groups they consider inferior, such as immigrants, a racial minority, a lower economic class, or people with less education. Like bullies, they put others down to elevate themselves.
Grandiosity
His hidden shame explains his bravado and self-aggrandizement. They are trying to convince themselves and others that they stand out, that they are uniquely special and the best, the smartest, the richest, the most attractive and the most talented. This is also why narcissists gravitate towards celebrities and high-status people, schools, organizations, and other institutions. Being with the best convinces them that they are better than everyone else, while internally they are not so sure.
Law
Narcissists feel entitled to get what they want from others, regardless of their behavior. His sense of entitlement masks his inner shame and insecurity. They convince themselves that they are superior and it follows that they deserve special treatment. For example, their time is more valuable than anyone else’s, and they shouldn’t have to queue like the masses. There is no limit to what you can expect from others. Interpersonal relationships are a one-way street, because other people are considered inferior and not separated from them (see below). They do not recognize their behavior as hypocritical, because they feel superior and special. The rules for other people do not apply to them.
Lack of empathy
The narcissist’s ability to respond emotionally and express appropriate care and concern is significantly impaired. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissists lack empathy and are “unwilling to acknowledge or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” (APA, 2013) Research shows that they have structural abnormalities in brain regions associated with emotional empathy.
They may claim that they love you, but you must determine if you feel loved by the way they treat you. Real love requires empathy, compassion and a deep understanding of the person we care for. We show an active concern for the life and growth of that person. We try to understand your experience and worldview, even though it may differ from ours. If you haven’t experienced such genuine love or if it was mixed with abuse, you may not appreciate true love or expect to be treated better.
Without empathy, narcissists can be selfish, hurtful, and cold when it doesn’t serve them to be charming or cooperative. For them relationships are transactional. Instead of responding to feelings, they are interested in getting their needs met, sometimes even if it means exploiting others, cheating, lying, or breaking the law. Although they may feel excitement and passion in the early stages of a relationship, this is not love, but lust. They are known for their way of playing. Sacrificing yourself for a loved one is not in your playbook. Their lack of empathy also habituates them to the pain they cause others, while their cognitive and emotional intelligence gives them an advantage and they exploit others to meet their needs.
Empty
Narcissists lack a positive emotional connection with themselves, which makes it difficult for them to emotionally connect with others. Their underdeveloped self and poor internal resources force them to depend on others for validation. More than confidence, they actually fear being undesirable. They can only admire themselves reflected in the eyes of others. Therefore, despite their boasting and self-flattering, they crave constant attention and admiration. Because their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, they try to control what others think in order to feel better about themselves. They use relationships to improve themselves and for their narcissistic supply. However, due to their inner emptiness, they are never satisfied. Anything you do for them is never enough to fill their void. Like vampires who are dead inside, narcissists explode and drain those around them.
Boundary Lake
The mythological Narcissus fell in love with his own image, reflected in a pool of water. At first, he didn’t realize it was himself. This metaphorically describes narcissists. The inner emptiness, shame, and underdeveloped self of narcissists make them insecure of their limits. They do not experience other people as separate individuals, but rather as two-dimensional extensions of themselves, without feelings, since narcissists cannot empathize. Other people only exist to satisfy their needs. This explains why narcissists are selfish and unaware of their impact on others, even when they are cruel.
narcissistic defenses
It is the defense mechanisms used by narcissists to protect their vulnerability that make relationships with narcissists so difficult. Common defenses they use are arrogance and contempt, denial, projection, aggression, and envy.
arrogance and contempt
These defenses inflate a narcissist’s ego with an air of superiority to protect against unconscious feelings of inadequacy. It also changes shame by projecting inferiority onto others.
Denial
Denial distorts reality so that a narcissist can live in an inflated bubble of their own fantasy world to protect their fragile ego. They distort, rationalize, twist facts, and delude themselves to avoid anything that might cause a chink in their armor, which is so thick that, for some narcissists, no amount of evidence or argument can get through.
projection and blame
This defense allows you to repudiate unacceptable feelings, thoughts or qualities and mentally or verbally attribute them to another person. Guilt shifts responsibility, so the narcissist is not at fault. This defense fulfills the same function as denial. Projection is an unconscious process, whereby a narcissist does not have to experience anything negative in himself, but sees it as something external. Those traits are projected onto another person or a group of people. You become the selfish, weak, obnoxious or useless one. Projection is very maddening and damaging to the self-esteem of those close to a narcissist, especially children.
Assault
Aggression is used to create safety by pushing people away. Narcissists see the world as hostile and threatening, and they move against people aggressively, both in words and behavior. This can lead to narcissistic abuse. Vengeful narcissists retaliate to reverse feelings of humiliation and restore their pride by defeating their assailant.
To envy
Narcissists must be the best. They cannot enjoy someone else’s success. If someone else has what he wants, he feels inferior. Life is a zero sum game. Competitive narcissists don’t just envy people who have what they want; they can react vindictively to take them down, especially if they feel threatened. Narcissists are often envious and competitive with their children.
Understanding who you’re dealing with is very helpful, but finding out what you can do is more important. If you love a narcissist, the exercises and strategies in How to Deal With a Narcissist can be helpful and will give you clarity on how to get your needs met and how to assess whether to stay in the relationship. Email me if you would like to join my mailing list and receive a “Narcissistic Behavior Checklist”.
©Darlene Lancer 2019
