Is there a paternal instinct?
Noted child development expert Erik Erikson argues that adults have a fierce desire to protect and nurture the next generation. This is the generative nature of parenting: nurturing and protecting the next generation.
We recognize this desire in women as the maternal instinct. The strong desire of men to care for the next generation is best recognized through their protective instincts. Man as a hunter and gatherer has always had the survival of his family and community as his motivating force.
But the generative notion of parenthood extends well beyond the protection of children. Generative fatherhood means that men help the next generation not only survive, but also thrive and grow. It is in the well-being of the next generation that men have traditionally left their mark.
This generative or instinctual notion of fatherhood has been lost in recent years as men spend less time with their children. Parents may be born to the task of raising children, but they need to be around the children in order to push them to be parents.
Too often, parents see themselves as playing a role, when the essence of parenthood is actually embedded in their own psyche and tied to their child’s development. According to Erikson, there are seven tasks that a father performs to ensure the well-being of the next generation. It’s a brilliant framework that helps men get away from role-playing and makes them focus on the needs of their children. The seven tasks of fatherhood, also known as the father’s job, are:
1. Ethical work: Men agree to act in the best interest of the child. Research shows that when men are strongly committed to looking after their baby’s well-being, they will maintain long-term involvement and support for their child. The work ethic shows itself when men make decisions about work and careers with the best interests of their children in mind.
2. Stewardship work: This aspect of fatherhood involves men providing for the children and also helping them develop the resources and independence to care for themselves. In many ways, this manifests itself when dads take on a teaching role, which tends to happen when they spend time with the kids. Listen to a man when he interacts with his child and you will inevitably be showing him how to do something, even if it’s how to kick a soccer ball.
3. Developmental Work: This aspect of parenting refers to the notion of helping children deal with sudden changes, such as a death in the family, or normal developmental changes, such as moving into adolescence. Fathers who do this job well support their children through difficulties and respond with understanding to changes in children’s development.
4. Recreational work: This aspect refers to the promotion by men of relaxation and learning for their children through play. This aspect of parenthood tends to be a strong point for many dads, who are the kings of the game. It is well known that men play with children differently from mothers, which is fixed in the biological matrix. The domain of men is rough play, sometimes destructive play, and often involves a challenge, either intellectual (for example, chess) or physical.
5. Spiritual Work: This aspect of fatherhood involves men helping boys develop values and a set of beliefs that will act as a compass as they move into adolescence and beyond. This involves counseling, teaching, and counseling. Many readers can remember their own parents delivering harsh lectures, which stems from this aspect of parenting. Good intentions, but poor delivery.
6. Relationship work: This aspect of fatherhood involves men helping boys and youth form relationships and friendships. We do this by sharing our love and thoughts, showing empathy and understanding for a child, and also facilitating a child’s relationships with others. In recent times men have stayed away from this area but it is part of fatherhood.
7. Mentoring: We complete the cycle by making sure to support our own children in their own generative work. This means providing help, support and ideas for our own children when they become adults. In recent years, men have fallen badly in this area, as far too many men have superficial relationships with their own fathers.
This framework for parenting has depth and breadth. It works on an instinctive level, but many influences are at work to prevent this instinct and intuition from informing our action. It is often helpful to ask yourself, “What does this situation with my child require of me?” If a child has friendship problems at school, then relationship work is needed. If a child is feeling stressed and needs to relax, then it is time for recreational work. If a child becomes nervous through play, then it is important to do some management work and make sure the child calms down and regains control before bed. If a child is changing schools, then it is time for developmental work to help them cope with the change.
If you’re a parent (moms can do the same), reflect on some of the interactions you have with children and determine which area of parenting they fit into. You will find that there is an area for every situation. As you respond to children’s needs, think about the type of parenting you are doing. You will soon discover that you are involved in a variety of very important jobs. And it will change the way you think about parenting and provide solid guidance on how you should respond to children’s future needs.
