Relationships of any kind are an inevitable commitment. No two people, even of the same gender, have exactly the same priorities at the same time. When we are single, we can focus on our own selfish needs. But when we are in a relationship with another person, we need to consider their needs as much as our own. Sometimes these two demands conflict.
A key tenet of heterosexuality is that a woman offers sex on her terms. Coitus is a privilege that a woman confers on a man as a sign of her approval. This naturally makes men feel controlled by women. A woman wants a man to be loving, interested in her concerns, and willing to respect her wishes (requests she makes about issues that concern her). Many men dismiss these requests as unimportant because they seem so trivial to them. Such behaviors reflect the attitude of men towards women.
A man is aware of the fact that he needs a regular sexual outlet in the form of a lover. He may resent a lover who is unwilling to provide him with the frequency of sexual opportunities that he would ideally like. He knows that if a woman doesn’t offer him the intercourse he needs, he will eventually have to find another lover. However, he does not consciously equate his willingness to financially support a woman with his willingness to offer sex.
Men get their main emotional reward through sex with a lover. While women tend to need to feel emotionally attached to enjoy giving to a man through sex. While men want excitement, women expect affection. The mismatch between men’s desire for sex and women’s willingness to provide it is one of the leading causes of marital disagreements around the world. Men find this difficult to accept given their fantasies.
Men often don’t accept that there is a need for an exchange, especially if they are sold into the fantasy that women need sex just as much as men. The needs of men are obvious. Men need sex regardless of any relationship. So as long as they get a boner, they think that’s all that matters. Women’s emotional needs are much less obvious. A woman sees sex as a demonstration of male admiration. If a man is not devoted to her day after day, he is not flattering. It’s just a man’s sexual need. The claim that women derive pleasure through sex is men’s way of ignoring women’s emotional needs.
A man looks for a woman who is sexually docile. A woman looks for a man who is socially docile. A woman is looking for something in exchange for offering sex. She expects a man to keep her happy in other ways, such as providing her with a home or helping her raise a family. A woman wants a man to spend time in affectionate companionship. When women are upset with a lover, they are inclined to be less sexually amenable.
Most women do not offer sex for money. Most women offer sex in exchange for a relationship. But men pay much more through a relationship than they would for a prostitute. When men pay directly for sex, it is for a one-time sexual service. When men pay for sex indirectly, by subsidizing a woman’s lifestyle, they pay for regular sex within a loving relationship.
It is not about manipulation or exploitation. Men and women have a symbiotic relationship. Each provides the other with what he needs emotionally. Men need regular sex. Women want the support that men offer. Men aren’t always the best partners, so if she’s financially independent, it’s often not worth it for a woman to be in a relationship.
Men need sex and are often very willing to give up their earnings in return. Men support women regardless of whether they have children or not. This financial support gives women tremendous emotional peace of mind. The willingness of men to subsidize women while raising children causes trade in relationships. Initially, this trade is implicit, but after decades, when times get tough, it becomes more transparent.
Men tend to define their lives in terms of their work, which they do regardless of having dependents. So while men’s contribution is valuable, it doesn’t involve them in any more effort than if they were single. Men assume they have special privileges because they support the family by earning money. But women also support the family, sometimes financially but also by dedicating their lives to the family in practical ways. Women can care for others without pay, but their work still needs to be valued.
Women leave men, not because they are unhappy with what he can provide, but because they are emotionally dissatisfied. (Allan and Barbara Pease 1999)
