In today’s fast-paced world, patience is a virtue that is quickly becoming rare. Due to new technology that changes and improves all the time, we get information almost instantly. We are always working, assimilating new information and processing that same information at a frenetic pace.
And yet, there is a trend towards at least trying to slow down in some areas of our lives. Experts tell us about the importance of mindfulness. They warn that we are going to burn out if we do not make the effort to slow down on a regular basis. But many of us find this very difficult. How many of us have sat down to try meditation only to find our brains and thoughts racing the second we do it?
And this agitated mind can occur during normal times in our lives. But in moments of stress, the acceleration of our mind is ten times worse. So how do you handle it when your estranged spouse asks you to be patient at the exact moment when you can be anything but?
A wife might describe this situation: “My husband pushed for a separation for almost a year before he finally gave up on me. So you have to understand that we’ve been through this process longer than we really have.” apart, which is only a little over four months. I feel like we’ve made some progress while we’re apart, but my husband feels there’s a lot more that needs to happen before we can reconcile. He tells me that I must be patient. … But I have to tell you that I am not a patient person. It is not in my psychological makeup. I have a job where decisions are made in milliseconds. I run to relieve stress. The speed is almost a high for me. I am not one of those who sit still or watch TV or read a book. And my husband already knows this about me. I have explained it to him, but his attitude is that I have to find a way to be patient because he won’t. be rushed How am I supposed to be patient? That’s like asking a vegetarian to eat steak.”
I know that it is difficult to be patient, but I also know that many times it is the best decision. From my own situation and from seeing and hearing about it from other couples, it’s pretty clear to me that couples who don’t rush and who lay the groundwork for change and growth while apart fare better in the end. Couples who rush and reconcile before anything has changed risk the reconciliation not working out.
So even though I know being patient can be hard, I think it’s a good idea. Below I will share some things that helped me to be patient. But before I do, I want to mention that it’s not clear if there is any kind of advice. If not, this is probably the fastest way to show her husband the progress he’s looking for. It’s foolish to be patient for a change that might not come on its own. A counselor can help you identify the problems and make real change in the most efficient way.
Acceptance: I think this is a necessary first step. Until you accept that patience is necessary, you will continue to fight and resist, making life much more difficult. The first step is to accept that it will have to happen for very valid reasons. Acceptance decreases the possibility that you will resist negatively.
Establish a lifestyle that allows you to cultivate patience: I know this is going to feel weird at first. And there are some areas in our lives where we don’t have the luxury of patience. Many of us have fast-paced jobs that actually reward speed. And that’s fine in that aspect of our lives. But that makes it more necessary than ever to balance it with a more leisurely pace in our home lives. I know it probably doesn’t make sense for me to ask you to start meditating for, say, twenty minutes a day. But I think almost everyone can listen to quiet music for five minutes while closing their eyes and being distracted.
When I was apart, this was the only way I could try meditation, but it works quite well. And I find it just as effective. Music is necessary for me. Because I love listening to it and it allows my mind to stop in a way that silence never would. People say this is cheater’s meditation, but I’m fine with that. I figure whatever works for you is perfectly fine.
So this covers at least beginning to cultivate patience by sitting still. But what about in terms of your marriage? For me, I did this by creating situations that forced me not to focus on my breakup. I prepared things that forced me to take a break. I asked my friends to regularly invite me to go places with them. I visited family and friends in other cities to force some distance between us. I volunteered my time to charities that were important to me. This was actually one of the most effective tactics, because it allowed me to see that there were much bigger problems in the world than my romantic life.
And there were times when I forced myself not to look at my marriage in such immediate terms. Whenever I felt like he was holding on too tightly, he would make me stop by telling me that just for today, I would wait for my husband to come to me instead of answering the phone one more time. Sometimes he actually did it and I was pleasantly surprised. Sometimes he didn’t do it and I took care of other things.
I learned something important during this time. Insisting on the slower pace often doesn’t change it. The result is that you only feel more unhappy about it. But if you accept it and change his life to make it easier, you may find that you are working with him instead of against him. And things can change for you on many levels.
