Do we really believe in giving people a second chance? Is forgiveness the responsibility of society as a whole, or are we individually responsible for giving to others? Annette Lynn Greenwood, writer, mentor and therapist, challenges us to consider the implications of allowing people the chance to ‘right their wrongs’…
Mounting clinical evidence now supports what many ancient cultures have long believed, that holding on to negative emotions like anger profoundly affects our health. By mentally living in the past, we are not free to experience the present, the mind manifests negative thought patterns that psychologically drag us down, and by continually replaying such negative events, we become trapped. We suffer from anxiety, depression, and other stress-related disorders, which manifest physically in the body in plain sight as ulcers, high blood pressure, and often other ailments for which doctors may not have an explanation.
Spiritually we are in crisis; we are out of touch with our inner selves, feeling lost and disconnected. Inner peace is replaced by inner chaos.
Experience has taught me that there is a myth about forgiveness, it is very misunderstood. Forgiveness is seen as a sign of weakness, forgiving must mean that we are giving in, but nothing is further from the truth. Imagine how it feels to hold on to a heavy weight constantly, arms get tired, legs ache, when we mentally cling to problems and emotions from the past, we carry the same loads. Surely second chances and forgiveness go hand in hand, one depends on the other, which is not to say that we forget, but if we all, as human beings, reflected on our own lives from time to time, we might not be so quick. to judge those who are willing to give others a second chance. What follows are two case studies, based on real facts and people, only their names have been changed. I hope they help you judge how far we have to go as a society when it comes to allowing each other the opportunity to grow from our mistakes and help nurture a more physically and morally healthy society…
off the rails
When he was young, Wayne’s middle-class family had high hopes for him. However, Wayne decided that school was not for him, he had plans to live the high life.
At home, Wayne wanted nothing except the attention and affection of a father who chose to send Wayne to his room to play with his expensive toys instead of spending time with his son. Wayne felt increasingly isolated, and in an attempt to get noticed, he began skipping school and was eventually threatened with expulsion.
His parents grounded him, but he would sneak out at night to join his new, much older friends, smoking pot. His behavior at his house became more irrational. He was cheeky with his mother, but in response, his father, instead of talking to Wayne, simply sent him into his room with more threats. Wayne often heard his parents arguing late into the night; his mother defending him, but his father had a different opinion. This began to sow the seeds of self-doubt in Wayne, he felt useless and he became more and more introverted.
At seventeen, Wayne’s lack of self-esteem made him easy prey for a more notorious gang. Wayne now relied solely on the gang for the support his father lacked. His mother became ill with worry; she almost expected him to be arrested. She soon got her wish. When she opened the door for the cops, who explained that Wayne was in custody for assault, she almost sighed with relief. Wayne could now change his life.
He didn’t. Wayne was coming home wearing designer clothes from expensive stores. She confronted him and was met with an abuse tirade. She feared the worst: drugs. Wayne was repeatedly arrested on felony driving and assault charges. It was only a matter of time before he was sent to prison. The family broke up, and Wayne’s parents divorced.
Wayne wanted to start over, but he was in too deep, he was a drug dealer, which put him in a very dangerous and vulnerable position. Wayne loved his mother and decided to leave home before she got involved in his problems. He saw no way out, even considered driving the car into a tree to end his life (that would fix everything), but he couldn’t get the image of his mother out of his mind.
Desperate, Wayne confided in the one relative who hadn’t turned his back on him, telling her what a mess his life was in and how he had thought of ending it. He had dishonored his family, deeply hurt his mother, and he believed there was no way he could make amends for that; he would accept responsibility for all the pain he had caused. He felt that the best thing he could do was go abroad with the money he had accumulated.
Not having slept for days, Wayne dozed off, giving his relative a chance to call his mother. She was there in a matter of minutes. Looking at her sleeping son of hers, she wanted to cradle him in her arms, tell him that everything was going to be okay, regardless of what she had done. Love flooded his heart. She knew that what he had done was very wrong and she did not approve of it. She could call the police to have him arrested; after all, he was supplying drugs to innocent people, even children. She then remembered how she had forgiven him when he had misbehaved as a child, she remembered doing things she shouldn’t have done, that she wasn’t perfect. She remembered her husband repeatedly sending Wayne to her room to play by himself; Wayne never got the love he craved. Part of the responsibility was theirs, as parents. Wayne’s future was in her hands.
As Wayne’s eyes began to widen, he winced when he saw his mother’s anguished face: had she caused this? He got up to run, but his words stopped him dead: “Wayne, I love you, I forgive you, let me help you.” Wayne had been given a second chance, she had found it in her heart to forgive him.
Years later, Wayne’s life is very different. Now married, he is a proud father, has his own successful business and regularly sees his mother and his family. Unfortunately, he and his father never managed to rebuild their relationship. Wayne’s father would not give him a second chance, would not let him go, he held onto the event in his mind and continually revisited it. He refused to forgive his son and kept alive all the resentment he felt towards him. He didn’t realize that by giving Wayne he would also set him free.
Behind bars
My new case was Kelly, a 21-year-old prostitute. She had been convicted of prostitution and robbery. In the interview room I was greeted by a petite woman with pixie features, surprisingly pretty and with a warm smile. An image of what a prostitute would look like had gone through my head, and this was not it! I introduced myself to Kelly and explained that she was going to be her coach and that I would help her, in any way she could, to accept the life sentence and the charges that had brought her here. Kelly told me that she was going to serve two years for prostitution and robbery; she did not deny the offenses. I asked her what had led her to this.
Kelly, who had three young children, had been abandoned by her partner, who secretly made money handling stolen goods. As soon as she had enough money, she left.
Kelly described that time: “I had to make money. Our apartment belonged to a friend of Dave’s and as soon as Dave made a bunk we were kicked out. The kids are small, four-year-old twins and a one-year-old. We had camped out in a old caravan of some travelers in a wasteland, without money for food or diapers, they had never seen their grandchildren.
I stole food for my children, diapers for the baby. I had never done anything like this before. He didn’t have a fixed address so he couldn’t make any profit. I was afraid for my children; I didn’t want them to be taken away from me. At first I hated myself, but I became numb to everything.”
Sitting there, I was wondering where we had gone wrong as a society. At some point we had let Kelly down. She already felt isolated from her parents and now she had to live with the stigma of what she had done. Kelly went on to explain: “Things got more difficult as the weather got colder, I needed to heat the place up, and I had lost over five pounds. At night when the kids were sleeping, I would go through the garbage cans around the locally owned.learned to live off scraps and scraps.
One night a guy offered me twenty pounds if I would have sex with him. I thought about what that would buy for my babies; food, heating for the caravan, maybe some clothes from the charity shop for me. It was over in minutes, I closed my eyes as he growled above me. Afterward I felt cheap and dirty, but in the back of my mind were the hungry faces of my children. I quickly realized that I could make a living like this, nobody was going to help me, so I had to help myself and I was responsible for three innocent lives. I prayed every night that one day my parents would forgive me and we could start over as a family. He honestly believed that one day they would understand why he was doing this. In the meantime, however, I felt that I had no other choice. Soon after I was arrested, someone had seen me. They accused me of prostitution and robbery; I was sentenced to four years in prison reduced to two.
My parents are taking care of my children. If anything good can come out of this, it has to be that. When my parents came to see me, my mother was horrified, she thought that she had anorexia, she had lost so much weight. My children do not know where I am; they think i’m working away for a while. I don’t want them to pass them anymore.”
I asked Kelly that in prison she could reflect on her life and I could help her look to the future, it might not happen overnight but we could gradually change things. During the many months that we worked together, Kelly began to grow and develop as a person, her self-esteem levels increased. The challenge we faced was how would she be viewed by society once she was released from prison, was she a bad mother? She fed and clothed her children with the only means she knew how. I had to prepare her for the barriers she would encounter.
Her parents visited her regularly and slowly grew closer. Kelly and her children were to return and live with them. Kelly would start her education, get some grades, and try to make a fresh start in her life. I was left wondering if we had the right to point the finger at another human being who had seen no other way out, who, in her opinion, had done what was best for her children. Should we be more tolerant of greater understanding in cases like this, should we give the Kellys of this world a second chance?
