On June 21, 2014, my youngest son, 29, got married. It was a luxurious wedding. There were so many people present at the New York Public Library extravaganza. But not the mother of the groom. I was not invited. There are so many things I wish I had said to the father of the bride (the only family member from the bride’s side that I could have met).
What I wish I had said to the father of the bride …
I assume that as I write this, you are probably enjoying all the festivities leading up to your daughter’s wedding, when she will marry my son. In just two more days, you and I will be related. Amazing. It is not like this?
According to Midrash, after God created the universe in six days, he began arranging marriages. According to the Talmud, 40 days before a male child is conceived, a voice from heaven announces which daughter he is marrying (in Yiddish, that heavenly marriage is called “bashert,” a word that means destiny). It is with all my heart and faith that I believe that our families will come together for a greater purpose. People come into our lives as a blessing or a lesson.
Growing up in Bedford, New York, what were the chances that my 29-year-old son would meet his daughter, a young woman from Millburn, NJ (just 15 minutes from my new hometown)? And the mere fact that you and I share so many friends and acquaintances? Amazing. I can’t speak for his wife, as I’ve never met her, but I think our paths will cross one of these days. The world is getting smaller every day.
After you and I met, I expected things to be different. Very often, parents play a key role in organizing and planning their children’s nuptials. It is an occasion of tremendous emotional magnitude. A wedding is one of the most important moments in the life cycle that a parent will experience. Or not.
In this deep time, you may think that you have simply inherited a situation. I think different. I believe that if you are not part of the solution, you effectively become part of the problem. When, as a father, you walk with your daughter down the aisle on Saturday night, the groom’s mother will not be present. You have chosen to exclude me and avoid me. Yes, I know my estranged son instructed you on that subject, but we all have decisions to make. If someone robs a bank, the guy driving the hit-and-run car is also charged with a crime.
My son is no longer a boy. You may think I don’t know. But every scar on my aching heart tells me that he is now an adult. You see, every Mother’s Day, every birthday, every Hanukkah, every Easter, every sickness and every joy has been quietly calculated in the cracks of my heart. And it all adds up to years of alienation. Time that will never be recovered. Each one of those moments in which the fall of our stories bled in the pain of the present. Today is my son. And on Saturday night, June 21, he will be someone’s husband.
As you walk with your daughter to Chupá, along that path that may seem endless, but only takes a minute … you may shed a tear or two. As the moisture trickles down your cheek, I ask you to think of me. Your daughter’s mother-in-law. And my own tears. You see, I’ve been getting rid of them for days at this wedding.
My son agrees to partner with your daughter. May it be one of blessed happiness and good health. In a moment that will no doubt include feelings of great joy and celebration, won’t you remember the sadness and loss I feel? The moment will never come again. You could have done a lot to change the circumstances. It’s easier for you to ignore me and hope that I fade away. Sometimes the right decision is not the easiest.
Neither you nor your wife will recognize me, nor will you approach me regarding this blessed event that is to take place. This is my only way to communicate with you at this time. The Girlfriend: I wish I could meet her, but she has also had no interest in returning my phone calls or emails. I do not go anywhere. And every time you look at my son, I will be a glint in his eye. The good that her daughter sees in my son comes from me. And I have the references to back that up.
Think of the way our children came together. Bashert, then it was always meant to be; that was fate. Perhaps you can be the catalyst to bring peace between us. Or perhaps it is your daughter who melts the ice that surrounds my son’s heart. When my son was born, I held him in my arms and envisioned his future, a life that always included me. I never would have thought that a child who adored me so much, until he was 15 years old, would turn against me as he did. Hate must be taught. So when you say that parental alienation is just a word, I disagree with you. Funny how I have all the documentation showing a paper trail of distancing, and you never asked to see any of it. There is not a day in the last decade that I have not missed my son. Even through his most unacceptable behaviors. Because I remember the baby, the little boy, the young adolescent, the one with the old soul and the heart of gold. The young man who will be waiting for his daughter at the end of the wedding entrance will be my son forever. And he knows whatever happens, he has the unconditional love of his mother.
So, as the father of the bride, convey a message from the mother of the groom. I wish our children everything they wish for them and much more. That they find in the other everything that brings out the best in them. The goal of a great marriage is to move beyond the idea that you treat the other person as you would like to be treated. I hope my son always puts his daughter first. That is something that should be emphasized to my son. Unfortunately, he could not have learned such things by example. May our children treat each other better than each wants to be treated. Sorry, there are so many things I wish I could write, but my own tears get in the way.
My current life partner teaches me something special every day. Many times I have heard him say, “I’m glad to see you happy.” I pray that our children have reached the point where they achieve more joy in making each other happy than in pursuing their individual happiness.
And when you “hand over your daughter” on Saturday night, you will no doubt feel a loss and a bit of regret to let her go. Your eyes can turn watery if emotion takes hold of such a sacred time particle. I’ll be crying with you in a different way, of course. Remember how you have the opportunity to feel that. Experience that with the young couple. And how he has participated in denying me that: my own experience of seeing a life cycle that will never happen again.
Julie levine
Mother of the groom
