I have the privilege of knowing quite a few brilliant people. Through conversations with them, I am able to express some of my most complicated and important thoughts. Last month I was talking to Linda. She has a Ph.D. in Leadership and Organization and is an executive and life coach and educator. And she has enormous experience as a professional, especially at a high level.
On this particular day, she and I were talking about relationships. She asked me what she wanted from a woman. After I responded, she thought it was worth sharing the conversation with others who struggle to make relationships work. Part of the conversation went like this:
you: In an intimate relationship, a woman should give the man what he wants. If she gives him what she wants, chances are the relationship will work.
Beautiful: What about the woman? What about the man who gives him what he wants? Sometimes it’s hard to communicate what a woman wants from a man without him feeling like she wants to be in control of the relationship, because there is no “one size fits all.”
you: The same applies. The man should give her what she wants. That works if people tell each other what they want from the start. That means you talk about what you expect and want from a relationship. If a woman tells me what she wants up front, I can let her know if I can give it to her. If I can’t, I’d rather say it up front, instead of her getting upset that she doesn’t get what she needs. If she lets me know, I can say that she doesn’t, I can’t give you that. Or I can say I’m not willing to give you that. If I can give it to her, I’ll know what I’m getting myself into, instead of her resentful because she thinks she’s meeting my needs and hers aren’t being met.
Beautiful: Well, of course, that’s good communication.
you: Yes it is. Except a lot of women believe a man is supposed to magically know what she wants. She equates her concern to know what he wants without her having to say anything to him. I’ve heard women say that it’s a man’s job to know and that she shouldn’t have to tell him. If he doesn’t know, she may believe that he isn’t really interested in her. Or he’s not paying attention to her. That is not a relationship. That’s a babysitting job.
At the same time, I have also seen women say that they only want sex with a man. After meeting the guy, they like him. They then claim that the rules have changed because feelings are involved. That can be tricky.
It’s better if you don’t judge the person as only worthy of sex. When you do that, you come across as superficial. Later, when you change your mind, the person may still see you as shallow. Presenting yourself as shallow is a way of underestimating yourself. Furthermore, it also shows that you have poor judgment. People with poor judgment are not always suitable companions.
While I understand that most people don’t know what they want, it’s more powerful to say it up front. Instead, I’ve seen women who don’t know what they want. However, they pretend that they are. That can be exhausting because she is playing trial and error as she walks in the dark. If you tell me you don’t know what you want, I may still be interested in you. I know how to be patient. If you think about it, it’s fair to say that most people have some idea of what they want. They may be afraid to ask for it because they don’t think they will get it.
Beautiful: So what do you want from a woman, Ted? Because each woman can be different depending on so many things, variables, … you name it and she can be the same person with a different story.
you: In the simplest way to express what I want, I would say three words: love, affection and recognition.
Recognition
By recognition, I am saying that I want to be recognized first as a human being. One way to recognize me as a human being is to honor me for having an intelligent contribution. That requires having conversations with me. Tell me about who you are and what you want from life. Also, it requires listening. That means you listen to what I have to say without interrupting me because you think what you have to say is more important than what I’m saying.
In addition, it requires recognition of my ambitions. If you don’t understand them, don’t dismiss them. Ask questions.
Also, whether it’s professional, personal, or a hobby, don’t trust outsiders to advise you of my intentions. Come to me and talk it over. If you don’t like what I say, tell me why. Before you get mad, listen to where I’m coming from. The fact that you don’t like or understand doesn’t justify being angry or dismissive. Learn to recognize my intelligence and understand how I think. A stranger can’t help you with that. Going with another person, instead of talking about it with me, is a way of not recognizing me.
After explaining more about recognition, I went on to discuss what I meant by love and affection. Needless to say, he found the conversation quite insightful.
