There are four main parameters of human existence, according to existential theory. These four parameters, or data, include isolation, freedom, death, and meaninglessness. This article addresses isolation and offers some ideas on how to ease the pain of isolation.
There are three types of insulation. The first is interpersonal isolation or loneliness, which speaks of being isolated from other people for various reasons. For example, we may feel isolated due to mental illness, geographic distance, lack of adequate social skills, or loss.
The second type is intrapersonal isolation, which is the result of detaching yourself from certain aspects of yourself. We can be isolated from our feelings, we can deny our wants and needs, or we can mistrust our own intelligence or intuition, for example.
The last type is existential isolation, which is that infinite separation that exists between oneself and others, no matter how close they are. This is the place that gives rise to the common expression “It doesn’t matter who is with you when you die, you die alone.” Sometimes we counteract this isolation by blurring our boundaries to become entangled with others, resulting in the loss of ourselves. Or we learn to distance ourselves from people (eg, estrangement, mental illness), or even to become modest, to avoid the pain of rejection.
Isolation seems to be such an important part of the human experience that Erik Erikson incorporated it into his theory of human development. Specifically, it uses the terms Identity versus Diffusion of Identity, Intimacy versus Isolation, and Integrity versus Despair, all of which can describe various aspects of isolation. For example, if a woman has developed a sense of identity diffusion and entanglement, she might be prone to experiencing empty nest syndrome during middle age when her children leave home and develop their own identities as adults. If you lose the intimacy of marriage and a supportive social structure, you may experience a deep sense of interpersonal isolation, or even despair.
If isolation is an integral part of human existence, what can be done to counteract its inherent pain? This is easier if we look at all three types individually.
Interpersonal isolation can be alleviated by creating and maintaining a strong social support system. Think of family (or not), friends, colleagues, and professionals like mental health therapists, trainers, energy workers, organizations, etc.
Intrapersonal isolation can be alleviated by paying attention to who we really are and by honoring our true selves. That means knowing what we are thinking and feeling, knowing what we believe and why, acknowledging our wants, needs, and values, and learning to trust our own intuition and knowledge.
Existential isolation can be alleviated by choosing a belief system that makes us feel connected to something greater than ourselves. A belief system that allows us to feel that even when we lose our connection with others and with ourselves, we are still not completely alone. Sometimes it’s just this that keeps us going when otherwise we might just give up entirely.
