Opinions are like butts and everyone has one! You know the saying…and as another school year begins, I feel the pressure once again not to succumb to the stupidity that exists among judging adults.
Whether I’m on the playground or at the grocery store, I cringe when people ask, “What are you going to do with your free time now that your kids are back at school?” I try not to imagine them thinking of me in a bubble bath eating candy.
I’ll be the first to admit that as a recovering workaholic and achiever with four kids, it’s nearly impossible to strike a work/life balance and succeed as a parent. I want to wear a T-shirt that says, ‘I’ve worked full time, part time, and been a stay at home mom, and I support your choice.’
I was relieved to move to another part of the country last fall where no one knew what I was capable of working and volunteering, which gave me time to breathe and adjust my children to the huge transition. The extensive relocation and subsequent legal issues with our new home also earned me the sympathy and patience of those who inquired about my job prospects and volunteer abilities.
I am thankful for Cindy at the local grocery store last who saw my angst on the first day of school last year after dropping my older children off at their new high school. I broke down in tears when she asked me how she felt about having my children in school, instead of what she was going to do for work. I instantly felt a connection to this empathetic mother of grown children, who had also chosen to stay home while she raised her own children. Tears of gratitude and tears of anxiety for my children at their new schools melted together in a whimpering mess at Cindy’s cash register. Cindy immediately did what no one else had ever done for me before…she stopped everything and yelled at the barista at the latte counter, “I need a double latte soon, to go!” She took care of my needs, without judging my situation, a first for me as a seasoned middle-aged woman. I quickly retreated to the picnic benches in the parking lot to compose myself before biking home, but I’ve never forgotten Cindy’s kindness and we still smile together when we remember our first meeting in line to pay.
I was raised by a mother who values society’s impressions of her and her family, always conducting herself with perfect public demeanor. “Kristen is a commercial banker in Chicago,” was a proud line she uttered when I graduated from college. Banker, lawyer, doctor were all justifiable professions in her mind, but she never stayed at home as a mother with a college degree. A woman who was not content with staying at home throughout my childhood due to career goals and financial needs, my mother always asked me what my next project would be as I volunteered countless hours as a community activist, four babies in tow. Satisfied, but extremely busy making a difference in my hometown, I never felt good enough to look at the spectators, let alone my mother. She was constantly struggling to keep up with the demands of children, home, and community projects, while dealing with insurmountable physical pain, no doubt the result of unresolvable stress. You can imagine how perplexed I was to hear my mother say, “You don’t have to get a job with four kids,” when I got a part-time job after the birth of my fourth child. Needless to say, I worked my way up to my second part-time job, with hours that were sometimes in excess of 40-60 a week, was unable to pick my kids up from school on time, and struggled to manage a low-food meal. At the pantry, I began to wonder who I really wanted to please when my health and personal life began to suffer.
In retrospect, it was my decision to have four children; It is true that I had fallen in love with the sweet fragrance ‘Eau de Nouveau Bébé’ before a few romantic escapades with my husband. (In an ironic twist of fate, we no longer have the time or money to take solo trips together!) I live with no regrets and am hopelessly in love with my family. I am also lucky enough to have a certain privilege of being able to choose the title of ‘home economist’, taking care of a busy house, getting paid in whining, crying, stubbornness, with a dash of hugging and kissing. Honestly, the hours are long, the pay sucks, I’m not earning retirement anymore, but the benefits are numerous for my family when I’m in balance. Sometimes I miss making a difference outside of the home, and judging by history, I may go back to work for an income after catching my breath. It seems to me that nowadays it is easier to ‘Lean In’ as Sheryl Sandberg put it, when you have meals prepared, a babysitter and a house cleaner in the budget. However, based on my experience and social observations, when two spouses or single parents have demanding jobs, balancing work/life seems impossible as a parent.
I have met mothers who describe being ‘better mothers because they work outside the home’, mothers who are satisfied with their careers, moving up the corporate ladder or owning their own business, mothers who have no choice but to work to support themselves. their family, and mothers who prefer to stay at home while raising their children. I have struggled with the realization of many of these shared experiences. I salute all mothers in solidarity as we do our best despite the demands!
The spouses behind successful mothers are often themselves irreplaceable. I’ll never forget the time my twelve-year-old son exclaimed last spring at the dinner table, “Mommy has time to make it, she doesn’t work all day.” My husband immediately responded without hesitation, “who is in charge of scheduling the entire house, he volunteers at the school and manages every detail to ensure this home runs so smoothly?” I choked on tears of gratitude or breathed in my drink in shock, I honestly can’t remember, but my children and I will never forget the impact of his simple statement.
There will always be detractors, ‘the obstinate ones’, who will form their own conclusions from his point of view, albeit with cloudy lenses. For those adults, I have challenged myself this year to be empathetic to their own personal statements, made in reflection of their lives and not mine, and to try to keep my sarcastic self-preservation repartee to myself.
The single mom who confided in me, “I hate it when young moms with strollers parade through my house in workout clothes while their husbands are at work making six figures.” The nail technician at the salon she asked if she “stay home” and replied with “lucky”, to which I have to admit, I felt an embarrassing pang of guilt in front of my daughter. The moms who exclaimed, “I could never let someone else raise my kids” when I dropped my four-year-old off at full-day preschool or who heard I had summer childcare. And, of course, a small business owner who asked me what I would do with all my free time now that my kids are in school. Even my own mother… These are his stories, not mine.
I saw Cindy in the checkout line yesterday, a week after the start of the new school year. She smiled and said that she was thinking about me the other day and was wondering how I am enjoying the neighborhood and if the children are well adjusted this year. Cindy commented that when her children were at school, she would hardly drop them off and she would have to go around to pick them up, the hours went by so fast that she could hardly finish anything, and now they are gone! “Enjoy this time if you can and don’t look for a job outside the home if you don’t have to,” she advised with a warm smile. “Thanks Cindy, I guess I’ll work from home” I replied and reflected… Cindy the world needs more of you!
